...only more frustrated.

So the family all came into the living room last night to watch that 20/20 show about the autistic girl who can communicate by typing, has a blog and is writing a book about autism.  It was an incredible story and we were all very moved by what she typed.  When she typed about being trapped in her body, not being able to control her body, etc. it was almost more than I could take.

We are very happy for this family and the new-found relationship (with communication!) between them all... wait for it...

But.  

Shows like that only make us hurt more.  Andi and I so desperately want to talk to Trent, to know what is hurting him (while he bangs on the walls, bites himself till he nearly bleeds, screams, jumps off the furniture and pounds his fists on the floor), we would love to know what he is thinking, if he is hungry or has a stomach ache.  But we get nothing except more banging, more biting.

Does he feel trapped in his body like she does?  Does he want to be "normal" like she does?  Does he really have any feelings for us and what we do for him like she does?

The sad truth is that for every autistic child who finds a way to break free and communicate there are thousands, maybe tens of thousands who are still trapped.

So I sat here on the couch (still am) with Trent this morning.  Looking into his eyes and trying to see something, anything that would give me a clue to how he feels.  I even busted out the laptop and tried desperately to get him to type something to me (he is a very good typist) even offering him goodies if he did... nothing.  Well, I take that back, he typed "lion" several times and then deleted it.  (yes, we know there is something significant about a lion to him but we don't know what it is... because he can't tell us.)  

While we are happy for that family on tv last night it only highlights the fact that we still live with a child that we really don't know, can't figure out, and live in fear that he feels the same way that girl on 20/20 felt.  If it would do any good I would just cry as he sits here next to me rocking back and forth saying "McDonald's Madagascar Escape to Africa Marty" (and every other character from their happy meal toy line as well as ...Kung-Fu Panda TyLong and all the others).  

There is something going on in that mind of his, that incredible, photographic mind... I would so love to know what it is.   But my prayers fall to the ground, no answer comes... and then he scoots closer to me and puts his hand on mine.  

Good enough for now...

Thank You Lord for Trent, someday, I'd like to meet him.